


Oikawa's Fairies

by solivagant_i



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Background Poly, Bad Jokes, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not Beta Read, Oikawa Tooru & Sugawara Koushi Friendship, Oikawa Tooru Being an Idiot, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Pining Oikawa Tooru, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:13:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solivagant_i/pseuds/solivagant_i
Summary: ytka : well isn't that newytka : wait you aren't kuroo, sorry hello homojeffreystar : don't you gurgle cum?ytka : don't you have a crush on your straight best friend and have yet to say shit about it because you're a fucking pussy?---OR Oikawa decides to make a group chat to solve his problems, instead gets bullied, and (like the angel he totally is) helps everyone else out.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Goshiki Tsutomu/Koganegawa Kanji, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Michimiya Yui/Sawamura Daichi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 20
Kudos: 141





	1. sorry, jeffreystar BEEN cancelled

**Author's Note:**

> \- the nightmare starts  
> \- they cry  
> \- they gay  
> \- they f e a s t

**_[jeffreystar has created the chat, adding jamescharles, ytka (+3 others)]_ **

**_[jeffreystar has named the chat : Pretty Motherfuckers]_ **

_[2 : 03 AM]_

jamescharles : oikawa it is 2 am

angybirb : i do be trying to sleep doe

jeffreystar : l i s t e n ya filthy w h o r e s

jeffreystar : I just need a f ucking b reak- Like I'm t i r e d 

ytka : well isn't that new

ytka : wait you aren't kuroo, sorry hello homo 

jeffreystar : don't you gurgle cum? 

ytka : don't you have a crush on your straight best friend and have yet to say shit about it because you're a fucking pussy? 

switch : o h. so that's how nekoma gets down 

ytka : I'm sorry, it's in my blood 

ytka : with all the vodka, I think I'm getting brain damage 

angybirb : well I think u hurt his feelings !! 

ytka : I said I was sorry !! 

jamescharles : _**@jeffreystar**_ hoe if I come over there and see a single tear I will beat ur ass 

jamescharles : lev was speaking nothing but the facts 

jeffreystar : :(((((

jamescharles : god u make me wish I was homophobic 

jeffreystar : i- you'd have to hate urself bitch 

jamescharles : I would do anything if it meant I could hate you MORE 

jeffreystar : im -

Akaashi : hm, well 

Akaashi : anyways why did you make this chat Oikawa ? 

jeffreystar : IM GLAD U ASKED 

**[Manly MEn (NO BOTTOMS ALLOWED)]**

_[ 2 : 14 AM]_

Iwaizumi : Kuroo why the fuck did you buy that 

urgay : in my defense 

urgay : the man was very convincing 

switch : terushima is furtherest from convincing 

urgay : he spoke my language 

mmmm : how slow did he have to speak? 

thesockmmmmuses : h

thesockmmmmuses : e 

thesockmmmmuses : y 

thesockmmmmuses : (probably inhaled deeply) 

thesockmmmmuses : y 

urgay : I GET IT 

mmmm : are u sure 

thesockmmmmuses : i can go slower !!

bleep : please, he needs every syllable

bleep : anyway, y'all ever notice how Oikawa just dips in all conversations yet we can all very clearly see he's active and lurking in the chat 

mamamilky : he might be a shy shitter, very focused you know 

bleep : g o d, I forgot u were in this chat- this chat is a fucking mess

himbo : does oikawa do that? 

Daddie : yeah wait, does he, surprisingly I don't pay that much attention to the guy

Iwaizumi : you dirty fucking liar 

Daddie : I don't know who the actual fuck you think you're talking to 

Daddie : but it best not be me 

urgay : yeah I mean, Iwa u can't even say no homo anymore at this point, haven't y'all kissed before? 

Iwaizumi : Kuroo how many holes does a girl have?

urgay : trick question GIRLS ARE SPIES 

Akaashi : oikawa is not using the bathroom, he's just very busy currently 

bleep : oh worm?? 

Iwaizumi : busy with what? 

  
  


**[Pretty Motherfuckers]**

_[2 : 17 AM]_

jeffreystar : SO ! 

jeffreystar : I just wanted to talk to some, chill people? I don't know, I think a lot of us are in the setter chat, except for *cough* the Russian *cough* 

ytka : i will carve out ur heart and feed it do my dogs, and when they shit it out I will then feed it to you, or at least force it down your lifeless body's throat 

angybirb : i- 

angybirb : lev have u always been this violent? 

ytka : trying something new, don't treat me like I'm an idiot just because I'm stupid 

switch : I am 

switch : furious for no reason at that 

ytka : thank u, thank u <3 

jeffreystar : ANYWAYS - basically just wanted a moment away from my team luv, that wasn't just me staring at tiktoks 

jamescharles : *iwaizumi 

jeffreystar : I had it right the first time t h o t

jamescharles : oh? Sorry luv, didn't know there was a new spelling ;) 

Akaashi : everyone is very oddly passive aggressive 

angybirb : maybe we are all collectively stressed out and Oikawa adding us to a chat together is not entirely strange but the fact that we all are up at 2am is 

switch : yeah the kiddo has a point, why are the rest of y'all up 

ytka : time zones 

angybirb : been trying to fix my hair 

jamescharles : depression, but im pretending I'm excessively happy until people realise that I'm more than a mom friend, ykyk 

jeffreystar : boy troubles, how about u semi? 

switch : tendou 

jamescharles : damn that's t o u g h 

_[2 : 32 AM]_

jeffreystar : I just realised we didn't solve any of my problems 

jamescharles : sorry oikawa 

ytka : we're not miracle workers, and I would rather not have to give up a life time jail sentence of my life for u 

angybirb : l e v, what's wrong? 

ytka : I don't know, I'm just kind of sick of being just the dumb tall friend 

ytka : u ever realise how stereotypes really control our lives 

ytka : Like maybe I want to be really funny but not the butt of the joke 

ytka : I do be edgy doe 

switch : have no choice but to stan

jamescharles : zaddy lev 

jamescharles : but what is this a support group 

Akaashi : seems so, who goes first ? 

ytka : me m e !! I ship Oikawa and Ushijima but no one supports me and bashes me !! Even though I have a 400 k 20 chapter fanfiction with 100k worth of smut saying how they can work !!

jeffreystar : PERISH 

jamescharles : PFFT DAMN CATS OUT OF THE BAG 

ytka : don't get me started on the suga x yachi fanfic I have uwu 

jamescharles : queens supporting queens what can I say 

ytka : bitc- suga x hinata 

jamescharles : i- 

jamescharles : I GOTTA GO- 

_**> >jamescharles has left the chat<<** _

ytka : map rights as they say uwu 💗💋💕

angybirb : hey lev how old is yaku? 

ytka : s h u t 

_**> >ytka has added jamescharles to the chat<< ** _

jamescharles : we like to see you try 💕💗💕 but we love to see you fail 

jeffreystar : your head 💋💌🎀 on a spike 💗💕

ytka : there wasn't anything misleading about that one 

jeffreystar : exactly 

jeffreystar : nyways - how about i go 

jamescharles : 💕 how about 💕💖 no💖💕

  
  


**[Manly MEn (NO BOTTOMS ALLOWED)]**

_[2 : 35 AM]_

Akaashi : we're in the middle of a meeting of sorts 

urgay : meeting?? What just u and oikawa? 

Akaashi : no, there's other people, semi, kogane, lev, and suga 

mmmm : so what is this meeting about 

Akaashi : that is private information, sorry

Akaashi : I think 

Akaashi : ah, semi help me out 

switch : mind ya business 

Daddie : wait so y'all just have a private chat together ? 

switch : daichi can u not fucking read? 

switch : I S A I D

switch : mind your god damn business 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. bjs more like die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeffreystar : I always knew he was a secret homo 
> 
> jeffreystar : bastard 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some usernames so far, don't want to put the whole list because some are obvious and others aren't really here yet 
> 
> mmmm : makki  
> thesockmmmmuses : mattsun  
> ytka : lev  
> switch : semi  
> himbo : Ushijima  
> mamamilky : kageyama  
> urgay : Kuroo  
> amgay : bokuto (homie is sadly not here yet, because I have no idea how to write chat fics)  
> bleep : kunimi  
> jeffreystar : oikawa  
> jamescharles : suga  
> angybirb : kogane

**[Captain Clussy, prepare dat bussy 👁👅👁]**

_[ 2: 40 AM]_

urgay : _**@jeffreystar**_

jeffreystar : yes hetero? 

urgay : so you're in another group chat now?

himbo : why were we not invited? 

jeffreystar : sorry it's a gay only club

himbo : I believe I am a homosexual 

jeffreystar : well u see 

jeffreystar : I meant a homophobic club

jeffreystar : anyhow, how the fuck do you fuckers know about that? 

Daddie : Akaashi told us 

jeffreystar : I always knew he was a secret homo 

jeffreystar : bastard 

jeffreystar : wait, did he just bring that up? 

urgay : no, WE'RE THE ONES ASKING QUESTIONS 

jeffreystar : god i hate gay people 

jeffreystar : ask ur dumbass questions kuroo 

urgay : I did not think this far ahead 

Daddie : how long have you known suga, he's never like

Daddie : mentioned knowing you? 

jeffreystar : are you 

jeffreystar :are you serious right now? God, I've known him for a few years, I think as long as he's known you? We met at Starbucks, hang out a lot yk friend shit 

Daddie : really? 

jeffreystar : yep papa 

Daddie : I'm just surprised he's never mentioned you before 

jeffreystar : daichi 

jeffreystar : he doesn't have to, I mean, i don't care? I know I'm important to him, I'm sure he doesn't go around give everyone a hand job 

jeffreystar : unless? 

Daddie : he WHAT

urgay : I 

urgay : we're talking about suga right?? S U G A 

himbo : I believe so 

himbo : i think tendou said something about that once, they're surprisingly good friends as well 

jeffreystar : man I wish u didn't exist ushiwaka 

himbo : ? I didn't do anything this time? 

jeffreystar : you're breathing right? 

himbo : correct 

jeffreystar : there you go

  
  
  


**[Pretty Motherfuckers]**

_ [2 :45 AM]  _

jamescharles : OIKAWA 

jamescharles : YOU BACK STABBING THOT 

jamescharles : YOU TOLD DAICHI ABOUT THE H AND JOB

jeffreystar : in my defense 

jeffreystar : it was a complete and utter accident 

jamescharles : HE'S TEXTING ME NONSTOP IM-

jamescharles : YOU'VE RUINED ME 

jeffreystar : stop being dramatic

Akaashi : i apologise for telling them about this chat Oikawa 

jeffreystar : it's fine, honestly, I'm just, I think im gonna go to bed? 

jeffreystar : I've been wallowing in the heterozone for a bit too long 

jamescharles : DONTKEAVEMEJ

ytka :I hope sleep cures ur disease !! 

angybirb : what disease? 

ytka : dont worry young one

ytka : wanna play Minecraft with me kogane? uwu

angybirb : of cwourse !! 

_[12 : 22 AM ]_

jeffreystar : OH MY GOD I WAS ON SOME SHIT LAST NIGHT 

jeffreystar : suga im so r r y 

jamescharles : it took a weird turn 

jeffreystar : what do u mean? 

jamescharles : so, the tea may not be burning

jamescharles : b a s I c a l ly

jamescharles : he's upset that I never did that for him 

jamescharles : but in the, straight boy way? 

switch : I - 

jeffreystar : that sounds s u s 

jeffreystar : throw the whole man away 

jamescharles : no no !! Not like that, he didn't exactly say that but I think he's jealous 

Akaashi : jealous? 

jamescharles : he's just been trying to subtly ask if I was interested in oikawa, and just, it's not the usual daichi 

Akaashi : ah, that is strange 

jeffreystar : I'm still sorry !! I didn't mean for that to happen, like damn, I really didn't think any of that through 

ytka : maybe we should do something? 

angybirb : we can all play Minecraft ! 

switch : I want to play roblox 

ytka : n o 

ytka : last time you left me for dead in flee the facility 

switch : ur fault for getting caught loser 

ytka : YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE 

switch : it was either freedom 

switch : or death 

ytka : selfish

switch : hmm

jeffreystar : what if we like met up at a Starbucks? 

angybirb : oh yeah !! We should do that !!!

ytka : yaku will have to tag along then, maybe, I am at his house currently 

angybirb : is that who screamed at you when you screeched when that creeper killed you 

ytka : I did not s c r e e c h 

angybirb : you sounded like a pig giving birth 

ytka : s h u t 

jamescharles : so is that what we're doing? 

switch : yep 

Akaashi : guess so 

angybirb : yay! 

  
  
  
  


**[Seijhoe]**

_[1 : 24 PM ]_

_[ **mmmm has sent an image :** Oikawa is surrounded by Suga, Semi, and Kogane, they all seem to be laughing at the male, who's hair is clinging to his face and his cheeks are stained with a stinky red substance. Lev is bending over him trying to wipe the drink off of the other's lap] _

mmmm : oikawa is cheating on us 

thesockmmmmuses : I'm legit gonna cry

**[Maddog has changed Yahaba's username to : _michaeljacksonheeheenoise_ ] **

Maddog : sorry 

mmmm : there's no need to apologise, my dear rabid friend, please offer us some explantation 

Maddog : he looks like a girl 

Maddog : Michael Jackson looked like girl 

Maddog : Michael Jackson said hee hee 

weatherboy : is that it? 

Maddog : yes

thesockmmmmuses : I've never been so p r o u d 

mmmm : look at our son, all grown up !! 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : WTF 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : THIS IS WHY U DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 

bleep : oh shit here we go 

Kindaichi : can I quote the fanboy and chum chum theme song 

bleep : no, what are u five 

Maddog : I don't need friends, they disappoint me 

mmmm : did he? 

thesockmmmmuses : he did ! god, he really is my favorite child, besides the emo one of course

bleep : thanks mattsun 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : NEED, NEED? YOU NEVER NEED ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU'VE LEARNED THAT NO BODY WANTS UR CRUSTY ASS 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slurps * 
> 
> Listen sorry this is so bad I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but wanted to do something light weight ! I'm so used to writing more story heavy stuff that yes, this even has a story, even if it's SUPER random 
> 
> hopefully y'all find my horrid jokes funny, and I can somehow keep oikawa in character, he's just sexually frustrated I swear 
> 
> ANYWAYS  
> some normie headcannons that will hopefully come in  
> >>Tanaka, Noya, Iwaizumi, Asahi, Kuroo and Daichi are all Latin because listen - it's my chat fic and I make the rules  
> >>Actually maybe Daichi is light skin, because then he wouldn't have fucking died, would've dodged instead, the normie  
> >>terushima got fucking booted from most of the chats and cries about it  
> >>Suga has accidentally sent Asahi his nudes  
> >>Everyone in the Pretty Motherfucker group chat are Tiktok famous, that's actually something that comes up a lot
> 
> ANYWAYS THIS IS THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT PART AND YALL SHOULD LOOK AT IT : 1. You're a homo. 2. I want to write like - some more actually you know written portions, but i would like if yall would be interested? They would most likely be rather long but still have some of the chat within it, and just general homosexuality u know, u know


	3. cancel time again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa wants death, give him death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a LOT of sex talk  
> extremely random chapter

Oikawa blinked, his eyes taking in the mess of his new **_white_ ** _shorts._

"Lev, I can see why you're pro - life, because your mother obviously failed at attempting to abort you." 

The younger man froze, turning his head to look up at Oikawa, stopping his movements. He then grabbed his cup that still had a considerable amount of coffee left and poured it over his shorts. 

"Oh, sorry, oops." 

The table snickered, and Oikawa frankly, hated all of them. _What posers. Truly, how could they betray him like this._

His comment was harsh, but he didn't _deserve this._ He was being mocked, and now even more so. He narrowed his eyes as Suga cackled, Kogane hiding his face in his shoulder in an attempt to silence himself and Semi - well the man truly had no shame and was very openly laughing at him from his spot beside Suga. 

Oikawa blinked once more as Lev moved away no longer trying to help him, leaning back in his chair with a loud sigh. He leaned back just a little too much and was met with a sting in his back and the loud clash of his chair falling to the ground. 

The roar of laughter made the man blush. _He hated them. He wished they_ **_died._ **

_Or perhaps he wished someone would just run him over._ Iwaizumi preferably. 

"Damn, Oikawa !" His eyes widened at the new but distant voices, now that he was actually paying attention he could hear cackling coming from distant tables, small laughter that was trying to be masked because his life going down the drain was so not _funny._

He slowly rolled out of his seat and onto the ground with a loud groan, his face pressed against the cool surface of the tiled floor - it felt _filthy._ Did the people who worked here not know how to sweep? 

"Oikawa get off the floor, people are staring," Suga called out between laughs, trying to silence himself by drinking the tea he had ordered. Oikawa only groaned again, and was about to say something, probably something akin to telling Suga to fuck off, but a new voice - a _familiar voice_ \- broke through all the laughter. 

_Could this day get any worse._

"The floor is not very clean, and your shorts may get stuck if they dry." Oikawa wanted to _die_ , no he wanted his so called friends to die because they were still laughing at him. 

Ushijima meant well - Oikawa wasn't sure the man had the brain capacity to be sarcastic. But his voice ticked him off, the way he was always so _sure_ is what made Oikawa's blood boil, and stomach churn in protest. He got up slowly, sighing and he would not look up at the giant moron in front of him, instead he looked beside the pare of shoes in his line of vision and : 

Oh of course. 

"Shittykawa stop being so dramatic, you're an embarrassment," Iwaizumi spoke from his spot beside Ushijima, green eyes narrowing to look at his friend. 

Since when do they go to Starbucks? 

He heard his "friends" roar with laughter, someone was almost screaming. 

Since when did Oikawa decide that these were the people he wanted to hang out with? 

  
  


**[Pretty Motherfuckers]**

_[3 : 45 PM]_

jeffreystar :I C AN N O T 

jeffreystar : BELIEVE 

jeffreystar : THAT Y'ALL JUST SAT THERE AND LET ME D I E 

jamescharles : character development 

jeffreystar : no fuck you 

jamescharles : ight bet

ytka : wait a fucking moment - 

angybirb : sorry there wasn't much we could do ! 

switch : kogane you laughed at him the moment Lev hit his cup

angybirb : it was funny

jeffreystar :IT WAS TRAGIC 

jamescharles : you're being dramatic

jeffreystar : NO I'M N O T 

  
  
  


**[Captain Clussy (prepare dat bussy 👁👅👁)]**

_[3 : 50 PM]_

Daddie : imagine being Oikawa 

jeffreystar : WHICH ONE OF U FUCKS TOLD HIM 

himbo : it is all over snap chat 

jeffreystar :FUCK Y'ALL 

urgay : nah 

amgay : we're heteros 

jeffreystar : I will not hesitate to expose all of you 

urgay : hoe you can try 

  
  


**[Overall Fuckery]**

_[3 : 52 PM]_

jeffreystar : not to be dramatic 

jeffreystar : but one time kuroo and bokuto got really high and on call (I sadly was the one they were talking with while they were in Kuroo's dorm) and jerked each other off

urgay :OIKAWA WHAT THE FUCK 

Akaashi : really? 

Caprisun : owo?? 

mamamilky : shut the fuck up hinata 

Caprisun : suck my ass 

mamamilky : gladly 

fuckboytwink : I 

jeffreystar :YOU HOMOSEXUALS STOP STEALING MY T H U N D ERRRKSUAIAKV

thesockmmmmuses : he's dying 

mmmm : this is so fucking tragic 

mmmm : play the fanboy and chum chum theme song 

kindaichi : :D 

bleep : you do it and you're never allowed in my dorm room again 

kindaichi : D: 

Supreme : are we just gonna overlook what Oikawa told us 

saltshaker : is it really that surprising ? 

fuckboytwink : oh y'all want something surprising, well I got the tea about a certain man with thick thighs 

himbo : daichi? 

Daddie : hoe 

himbo : hm? 

Daddie : he's not talking about m e 

fuckboytwink : fuck yes I am 

fuckboytwink : anyway 

_**> >Daddie has kicked fuckboytwink out of the chat << ** _

Daddie : my secret will NOT be exposed 

Caprisun : you have secrets? It can't be that bad !! 

ghostkiwi : you'd be surprised

angybirb : Goshiki !!!!! <3 

ghostkiwi : hello kogane ! When are u coming over next, I wanna practice some more 

jamescharles : "practice " 

Daddie : wait - Goshiki what do you know -

ghostkiwi : nothing about u

ghostkiwi : but I've seen one of my senpai's uh 

ghostkiwi : actually both technically

ghostkiwi : it was in a group chat, and I think they forgot I was there 

switch : ARE U TALKING ABOUT THAT TIME USHIJIMA AND TENDOU WERE SEXTING IN THE CHAT 

satanhimself : YALL WERE BEING MAD QUIET, YOU COULD'VE SAID SOMETHING 

switch : WHAT DO I SAY WHEN U S H I J I M A IS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT 

jeffreystar :HE W H A T 

switch : as I remember, he literally just went "satori do you think you can work it in your schedule to come help me again?" 

switch : and it WAS innocent, until heSENTAFUCKINGPICTJUREOFHISSFUCKINFBONER

himbo : WHY AM I BEING EXPOSED 

amgay : oh f u c k, he's not happy 

jeffreystar : YALL sat there and made fun of me it's only fair 

himbo :I HELPED Y O U 

jeffreystar : NO 

himbo : Y E S 

himbo : you know what   
  
himbo : how about we all expose Oikawa   
  


Daddie : it's only fair 

jamescharles : you will NOT 

jamescharles : I might hate him, right, but he's had a rough day 

jamescharles : SO LET ME DO IT 

jeffreystar : SUGA N O 

Iwaizumi : god y'all are so annoying 

bleep : cancel culture is not cute 

bleep : or more so, exposing private things people have done is not funny nor cute 

mamamilky : should I get the photo 

bleep : TOBIO THIS IS WHY NO ONE FUCKING LIKES YOU 

mamamilky : teehee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can y'all tell i have no idea what I'm doing, this chapter sucks because I had no idea what to do. 
> 
> Anyways, tell me if yall want some written portions, I'm in the works of an actual college fic, and a h o r rible fosters au without the incest. 
> 
> ALSO ALSO, I WILL MAKE Y'ALL STOP SLEEPING ON GOSHIKI AND KOGANE, THEY'RE CUTE, ICONIC, LOVE THEM


	4. who the fu-fu-fuCK is KUGURI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lesbianboat : couldn't be me 
> 
> bleep : says a bitch it could be 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the other (cursed) group chats

**[You're not U When Ur hungry]**

_[Wednesday, 4 : 00 PM]_

Caprisun : are our upperclassmen okay 

mamamilky : oikawas always like that don't worry 

Supreme : damn, imagine having to put up with that 

bleep : imagine having to deal with you 

Supreme : fuck you say? 

bleep : yall hear somethin? 

mamamilky : who the fuck is yall ? 

angybirb : I could answer that if I knew who this y'all are? 

ytka : I'm just trying to figure out who's y'all 

lesbianboat : couldn't be me 

bleep : says a bitch it could be 

Caprisun : don't call yachi a bitch !!! 

kugayuri : don't worry we can call you one too hinata 

ytka : oh, hey are u still salty? 

kugayuri : lev 

kugayuri : shut the fuck up, you overgrown moron 

angybirb : nice one !! 

kugayuri : oh don't get me started on you

ghostkiwi : right, don't get started, and don't ever, how about you just stop breathing all together, huh? 

angybirb : Goshiki calm down <33 !!!

angybirb : also hi hi !! I can come over today

ghostkiwi : <3 tendou and ushijima aren't home, so we can stay in the living room !

Kindaichi : he really said my parents aren't home 

kugayuri : wait are we gonna ignore that- 

lesbianboat : might as well

  
_[4 : 32 PM]_

mamamilky : I just saw Kuguri and that one guy who's friends with bokuto going AT IT behind the library 

saltshaker : WAIT, u know what a library is? 

mamamilky : shut ur fucking mouth 

mamamilky : **@kugayuri**

kugayuri : what's ur thesis 

mamamilky : I ain't got any tea sis 

kugayuri : just because of that I'm gonna leave again 

Supreme : Kuguri I didn't know u were dating Konoha 

kugayuri : we're not, we were just settling something 

saltshaker : with your tongues? 

kugayuri : yes 

kugayuri : he's uh -

kugayuri : helping me? I don't know, I don't have to tell that to any of you posers 

Caprisun : you can talk to us !! 

Supreme : yeah it's a safe place ! 

ytka : Oikawa pays me to show him everything that happens in any other chat I'm in so 

Kindaichi : oh shit u too?

ytka : look at us, no really look at us 

Kindaichi : isn't this epic 

bleep : s h u t u p 

bleep : g o d 

bleep : so fucking tired of y'all 

bleep : oh shit here we go again 

lesbianboat : nah it's not funny if you know what's coming 

mamamilky : ha cuming 

lesbianboat : I didn't fucking say that you cum gussling fuck 

mamamilky : shut that shit up vagina licker 

Supreme : I swear to god we never go two seconds without insulting eachother 

Caprisun : rage 

Supreme : thank u for the wisdom hinata 

Caprisun : you're welcome !! 

theliteralgod : I wake 

Caprisun : hello Hyakuzawa !! 

theliteralgod : And I die once again 

Caprisun : :( 

  
  
  


**[Hoes, bitches and captains]**

_[4 : 44 PM]_

Daddie : we gotta settle this once and for all 

Iwaizumi : I got nothing to settle so you guys have fun 

jeffreystar : IWA CHAN B L E A S E ,,, 

Iwaizumi : have fun Oikawa :)

jamescharles : he really left u for the wolves Oikawa 

jamescharles : but don't worry babey I got u ;) 

jeffreystar : oh where would I be without u suga, my hero ! 

Daddie : I- 

Iwaizumi : im - 

satanhimself : oh how the turntables 

himbo : that doesn't make sense satori 

satanhimself : toshi shush 

Akaashi : Oikawa, we love u 

amgay : akaashi you never say that u love me >:((((

Akaashi : **@urgay** is kenma here? 

depressedbutpressed : sadly 

Akaashi : love you, you're my world 

depressedbutpressed : I love you more than any of my games, akaashi 

urgay : WTF 

amgay : THEY'RE SO MEAN 

Daddie : why are u two so over dramatic, aren't both of u literally straight 

urgay :IT'S THE BRO CODE DAICHI 

amgay : THE HOMIES WON'T ADMIT THAT THEY LOVE US- 

Daddie : anyway 

_ >> **jamescharles** has added **fuckboytwink** to the chat<< _

jamescharles : oh oop 

jamescharles : had to add a hottie real quick 

Daddie : suga 

jamescharles : yes?

Daddie : check ur pms 

fuckboytwink :FINALLY I'M IN A CAPTAINS GROUP CHAT U FUCKERS 

_ >> **himbo** has removed **fuckboytwink** from the chat << _

himbo : can't stand that guy 

  
  


**[ LGBT : luigi got big titties]**

_[5 : 01 PM]_

_> > **mmmm** has changed their username to : **bigmac** <<_

_> > **thesockmmmmuses** has changed their username to : **papajohns** <<_

jamescharles : but ~~why~~

bigmac : why wouldn't we is the real question 

papajohns : he got tired of being mmmm 

bigmac : my fist ur ass, if u don't shut u p

papajohns : UM I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND 

bigmac : YEAH AND I CAN BREAK UR LOCK AGAIN 

jamescharles : again? 

papajohns : what can he say, he's gay 

bigmac : big gay 

jamescharles : god i hate this chat 

Iwaizumi : tell me about it 

_> > **bigmac** has changed **Iwaizumi** 's username to : **monkeybuttplug** <<_

monkeybuttplug : I HATE IT HERE 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kuguri and Konoha have NEVER interacted but they're pretty boys and thus I adore them, please love them the same way I love them. 
> 
> my humour is just violence, that's it, also the first years are wack, can't stand eachother but they can't stand the world more, sorry for yet another horrible chapter
> 
> also also ! Thank you to those who've commented, that's literally the only reason I continue on with this horrible fic. Suggest what you'd like to see and mayhaps it'll come true !


	5. last time I checked, akaashi was not an underrated character bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ytka : abo omega slick 
> 
> jeffreystar : w h y 

_~~[Time skip backs into back flip, feeling : sad. This interaction happened within Chapter 4, but i forgot to include it and won't edit it in there]~~ _

**[Private Messages between _jeffreystar_ and _jamescharles_ ] **

_[ 3 : 02 PM ]_

jeffreystar : in theory, if we make them jealous, they'll want to fuck us 

jamescharles : don't make this sound like a foursome 

jeffreystar : SHHH 

jeffreystar : you can't tell me you wouldn't want a foursome

jeffreystar : anyway, call me like hot in the chat or something

jamescharles : 1. I would never let iwaizumi fuck me

jamescharles : 2. You would cry if he did, because we all know he would fall in love with me instead also

jamescharles : if anything iwa would just get uncomfortable 

jeffreystar : you're WRONG 

jeffreystar : ANYWAYS yeah because ur flirting me with me 

jamescharles : n o, because he knows my s t a n d a r d s

jeffreystar : FUCKOFFF

  
  
  
  


**[Seijhoe]**

_[Thursday | 1 : 3 0 AM]_

Maddog : ketchup sandwich 

Maddog : ketchup sandwich tutorial 

Maddog : how do I make ketchup sandwich 

Maddog : how do I make ketchup 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : what the actual FUCK 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : why did you make me look at that with my own two eyes 

papajohns : leave him alone he's expressing himself 

waterboy : is he okay? 

Maddog : google

waterboy : ??? 

Maddog : oh it's not Google 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : god why are u so d u m b 

Maddog : shut up 

Maddog : at least I don't look like I want to suck cock 24/7 

bigmac : we talking bout cock 

jeffreystar : I was summoned 

monkeybuttplug : vagina 

_> > **jeffreystar** has logged off<<_

monkeybuttplug : thank GOD 

  
  


**[Pretty Motherfuckers]**

_[ 2 : 00 AM]_

jeffreystar : SUGA OUR PLAN DID NOT WORK 

ytka : told u it wouldn't, they're s t r a i g h t 

jamescharles : well it might have sort of worked out for me 

jeffreystar : THE F U CK

jamescharles : Daichi asked me if I was actually interested in you and then proceeded to ask what my type was 

Switch : damn daichi really thinks he's slick 

Switch : suga ur man lacks intelligence 

jamescharles : oh I know 

ytka : abo omega slick 

jeffreystar : w h y 

ytka : why not 

angybirb : s l u r p s l u r p 👁👅👁

ytka : *aggressive tongue noises* 

angybirb : h-hewwo?? im an abwused owmega who craves COCK 

jamescharles : I'm - 

Switch : they're high 

jeffreystar : IT'S TWO AM 

jeffreystar : WHY WAS I NOT INVITED 

ytka : cuz we're at ushijima's place, Goshiki got that good stuff 

ytka : hold up

_> > **ytka** has added : **kugayuri, yaoibottomface, hobobata** , and **S** **una** <<_

jeffreystar : LEV HOW DO U KNOW ALLOFTHESEP3OPRLA 

ytka : shrug emjoi 

ytka : they are all in the overall fuckery chat and their names are fun 

jamescharles : how high are you? 

ytka : do we have the same number of toes as eyarms? 

Switch : he is g o n e 

kugayuri : oh god another groups chat with you freaks 

hobobata : oh hey !! I've seen you with Konoha right? 

kugayuri : how many people know about t h a t 

hobobata : oh I have my ways 

jamescharles : well that's scary as shit

jamescharles : introduce urselves or forever be known as homosexuals 

hobobata : shittt might fuck around and be gay 

ytka : you're on a team with terushima 

hobobata : shut ur FUCKING MOUTH 

hobobata : ANYWAYS - I do be that pretty mother fucker 

angybirb : like the group chat bame a!!*#@@

ytka : KOGANE S TOPS THPING 

jeffreystar : don't mind them, please continue 

hobobata : Bobata Kazuma ! 

Suna : Suna Rintarō

yaoibottomface : Himekawa Aoi !!!! At your service 

jeffreystar : service you say? 

ytka : he a fresh man bruh, don't fondle him 

angybirb : don't be onision now 

jeffreystar : HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THAT THING 

jamescharles : bro I totally see it 

kugayuri : nah the person who looks the most like onision is kuroo for sure 

ytka : I'm ttelling 

kugayuri : do it pussy I don't care 

ytka : k bitch 

Suna : I've never wanted to leave a group chat more, actually 

Suna : I AM going to leave 

_ >> **Suna** has left the group chat<< _

_ >> **Akaashi** has added **Suna** to the chat<< _

Suna : let me f r ee please 

Akaashi : it's 2am and not only am I up but the rest of them are up as well, I need help please 

Suna : i am not kita 

Akaashi : And right now? I don't care 

jeffreystar : who?? 

jamescharles : they toxic babe, NEXT 

Akaashi : see? 

Suna : s i g h, well seeing as I'm getting tea out it 

Akaashi : thank you for your sacrifice

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait to bring in the 'we didn't ask to be Latina squad', they go to a party and they do shake what their mamas gave them 
> 
> thanks for all the comments, they keep me going, there's gonna be a beach scene eventually which might end up being rather long, it's been fun to write, but that won't come into later if I don't rush it I guess
> 
> maybe 
> 
> anyway, bye y'all ! Don't die. Stay safe. Comment if you want. Leave kudos if you want. Cry so I drink your tears. That's an order ;) or I'll literally eat your organs.


	6. funky update doe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it ezz what it ezz

Hey everyone this will be deleted by the time I actually update this again, which I will update ! I just need some time to think of the funny and there's a rather long three part thing, as well as another thing, but other than that there's some other fics I wanna publish, like uh some mafia au oneshots which goes into a larger story, there's some vampires, and I want to continue Take me home where I belong. I am terrible with planning this and I hate following things through, so this fic was kind of an escape from the stuff I was already working on. I also plan to make a full Detroit Become Human Au fic, which will have at least, 4 different fics for each protag as well as Oikawa who started this idea and is Elijah Kamski in the au, that much I'll reveal, but there will be one for who fits in as Marcus, Connor, and Kara, Kara's will probably come second due to amount of planning that won't be needed pfft- 

So a small schedule of sorts (as of right now - and whether or not y'all are more interested in one thing over something else) 

-DBH Au - first part being "Life after death"/ A very chill animal god au that will be a bit like this fic update wise 

-Bittersweet Melodies - kogoshiki 3 part oneshot / Something akin to a mafia au - but you know as I am it has to be darker ! And there's comic art /concept art [here it is pals, yes it's my art don't worry](https://www.instagram.com/p/CBtYJJUp11W/)

-Curing Soberness - very long college au that's been in the works for awhile, again would be more chill, but has your share of haha funny moments and lev being a nearly homeless foreign exchange student because most colleges really don't care for them even if they are rich, and of course other issues / War Au - not much thought, but a lot of suffering

Some stuff that I have planned out but I will suffer 

-Vampire Au - Kags, Oikawa and Suga are vamps, and there's lore uwu, god I hate myself 

-Soulmate Au - lol hinata go brr brr that's it, anything else tells too much 

-Kill Your Darlings - barely any romance but they kiss once and burn books, I really want to write this but uuuugggh

as you can see I have a lot of ideas, but I'm very lazy, I can expand on some things if something catches your eye as to what I should do first, or what I should even do with this fic - but again I will "finish" this homies 


	7. drama uwu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shaneyawdawson : PERIODT 

_[Thursday, 10:23 PM ]_

**_[_ ** **_Private Message Request from ytka]_ **

ytka : I have info on kuroo 

**_[daddyshou has accepted the request]_ **

daddyshou : who? 

ytka: the short bitch on my team, listen, you ever had to stand near kenma 

daddyshou : FUCK no that man looks like his cum would taste like acid 

ytka: bitch wtf- 

ytka: anyway bitch, if you don't shut this shit up, I will send him to your house 

daddyshou : bruh 

ytka : kuroo has a hello kitty dragon didlo

  
  
  


**[Total Fuckery]**

_[11:01 PM]_

**_jeffreystar_ ** _ has changed  _ **_jamescharles_ ** _ 's name to  _ **_shaneyawdawson_ ** __

**_shaneyawdawson_ ** has changed  **jeffreystar** 's name to  **_cheeto_ **

fuppa : wha- 

anomeansanoe : they've finally gotten together 

urgay : PFFT- 

amgay : DAMN- 

himbo : congrats suga and oikawa

cheeto : literally perish 

himbo : i apologise

cheeto : SCREAMS CUTELY 

shaneyawdawson : ugh 

mamamilky : let's go to the beech beech 

Supreme : bitch are you good 

mamamilky : let's go 

michaeljacksonheeheenoise : h u h ??? Y'all is he high? 

shaneyawdawson : i know kaGAYama did not just take away from my relationship

cheeto : I really should've rocked yo shit 

monkeybuttplug : Oikawa you can't just- 

cheeto : WHOMST 

cheeto :  **@monkeybuttplug** WHO ARE YOU, BLEASE EXPLAIN 

papajohns : teehee 

monkeybuttplug : I'M CHANGING MY NAME BACK 

papajohns : NO BITCH, DON'T PUSSY OUT NOW 

monkeybuttplug : I LITERALLY DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS GAY- 

hobobata : OMG LITERALLY EVERYONE CHECK SNAPCHAT 

Supreme : WTF B R O 

ghostkiwi : 👁👄👁 Y'ALL DID NOT NEED TO SEND THAT TO OUR SNAP GROUP CHAT 

urgay : WHO THE FUCK, HOW THE FUCK

urgay : DAISHOU IS A FUCKING CREEP 

amgay : 👀 

simpGOD : OH MY FUCKING GOD 

backgroundtanaka : I NEVER KNEW I HAD TO SEE THAT, SOMEONE, PLEASE CLEAN MY EYES 

chinchilla : kuroo why do you have one that is literally just a CIRCLE 

Kai : I LITERALLY wish I wasn't here

Kai : okay WHO else saw it besides everyone in this chat, is daishou here? 

yaku :  **@kugayuri** explain. 

kugayuri : bitch tf 

kugayuri : what am I explaining 

yaku : don't play dumb 

kugayuri : I'M GOING TO GO SICKO MODE I LITERALLY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT 

yaku : THEN GET A CLUE, YOU'RE NOW ON BLUES CLUES BITCH 

  
  
  


**[roux gang]**

[11:32 PM] 

ytka : okay girlies I did it 

ytka : we may have gone too far 

ytka : kuroo is freaking out

cheeto : HE DESERVES IT 

shaneyawdawson : PERIODT 

ytka : OH FUCK daishou said he's getting dms fuck

shaneyawdawson : oh- 

shaneyawdawson : wait it's like harmless, it's not like it's real or something 

shaneyawdawson : he just put in the group chat with all of us in it, though I think someone sent it to another one but that one just had less people 

ytka : o h 

ytka : was the rumor meant to be fake? 

cheeto : LEV WHAT THE FUCK 

shaneyawdawson : LEV WHAT THE FUCK 

ytka : NEITHER OF YOU GUYS TOLD ME 

ytka : I SPENT THIS WEEK JUST FIGURING SOMETHIGH OUT 

cheeto : god maybe we should've chose someone else, do you literally lack common sense 

shaneyawdawson : wait Oikawa that's a little far 

ytka : Oikawa 

ytka : I'm just

ytka : fuck you 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt weird about just leaving an update without an actually update, so enjoy some drama, it segways into something and adding it all into that chapter would've been TOO LONG, but this feels too short, so sorry, next update maybe in like 3 days, OR next week.

**Author's Note:**

> and it begins


End file.
